Anguish & Desire/Chapter Thirty

This is Chapter Thirty of Danganronpa: Anguish &amp; Desire, Fight Time!. In this chapter, the Ultimates call together a meeting to discuss their predicament; also, two friends have an important conversation.

Author's Note: death flags. death flags are everywhere.

After my shower, Rai, Yuka, and I went to the dining hall to eat an early dinner, and, well, we hadn’t left since then. We were sitting in silence.for the most part, and, the playful attitude we held from before was gone and replaced by this feeling of uneasiness. As this meeting drew closer, we each dove into our own minds.

This was our chance to lay it all out there. To get our problems out in the open and figure out how we can come together and beat MonoMech...of course my mind would drift to Nakata. Her words echoed throughout my mind; she was using me, she thinks I’m weak, she wants me dead. I don’t know if I can do it.

I know it was my idea to talk to everyone, but...now I’m nervous. I can’t do it. I shouldn’t have eaten today, I think I’m just gonna throw up.

“You okay, Big Brother Ken?” Yuka asks, tilting her head. “You’re getting all pale.”

I simply shake my head.

“I’m just...a little nauseous, Yuka. Don’t worry about me.”

“Do you want some tea?” Rai asks, reaching across the table and placing their hand on my forehead. “You’re warming up a little.”

“No, no, it’s okay, Rai. Really.”

“Are you getting nervous? It’s almost time.”

“N-No. I’m fine.”

Rai sighs and leans back in their seat. “We’ve got an hour or two left until the nighttime announcement goes off. Do we have to sit here until then?”

…

I’m still exhausted.

“I wanna take a nap before the meeting begins,” I say, and I stretch out my back for emphasis. “I should probably just...do that.”

“I love naps!” Yuka exclaims, jumping up from her seat. “Let’s go!”

I sigh. Couldn’t I have, like, one hour alone? That’s all I ask for.

“He’s not feeling well, Yuka,” Rai says, resting their head in their hands. “Let him go.” Yuka frowns and looks back up at me. “Really…?”

...those puppy-dog eyes won’t work on me. Not today.

…

...ugh, fine.

“If you wanna sleepover tonight you can, but, just give me an hour to myself.”

Yuka’s expression brightens. “Yessir! Take your hour and I’ll come by to make sure you don’t sleep through the meeting~!”

Curse your adorableness...

I nod. “Thank you, Yuka.”

“Wait, you two can’t be making plans without me!” Rai exclaims from their seat. “That wasn’t part of the plan.”

Yuka spins around and sticks her tongue out at Rai. “You already kissed him! Let me spend some time alone with Big Brother Ken, Rai-chan!”

I look back at Rai and shrug my shoulders. “She has a point, beautiful.”

Plus...I wanna know what’s wrong. Yuka looked like she had something on her mind before.

“You can’t flatter me,” Rai pouts. “That’s not fair--cheater!”

I smile and spin around. “I’ll see y’all in an hour.”

When I get back to my room, I immediately collapse on my bed. Even though the mattress is rather hard, I have no trouble falling right to sleep.

“What’s this all about, Ken-chi?” Nakamoto asks, placing his hands on my shoulders. “Shiomi-chi, Kiyo-chi, AND Nakata-chi all told me they’d tell me later, well, it’s later -- I’m still confused!”

After I woke from my nap, there was a knock on my door, and I thought it was Rai and Yuka coming to get me, but when I opened the door I was ambushed by Nakamoto. He seemed desperate, but that was probably because he was on his way back from the gymnasium and was already out of breath.

“Why are you asking me?”

“You were with Shiomi-chi when I left! You gotta know!”

“I--”

“Will you guys quiet down, please?” Azama asks, walking toward us with Rai and Yuka in tow. “It’s time.”

Nakamoto sighs and lets go of me. I take a deep breath and rub my elbow as Yuka skips next to me. “The pervert hurt Big Brother Ken again~!”

“Again?! What was the first time--?!”

“Didn’t you punch him in the face once?” Azama asks, placing her hand on her hip.

Oh yeah, he did do that.

Nakamoto bites his lower lip. “R-Right, I remember…”

“No, that was my fault,” I say, cowering back beside Yuka. “I jumped in front of him, remember? He wasn’t aiming for me.”

“I would’ve died if not for you,” Nakamoto says, placing his hand back on my shoulder -- this time, more gently. “Ken-chi, no matter what Nakata-chi says you’re not weak.”

Ah, so he did hear our conversation?

I had my suspicions when he found me, but…

He spins away from me and turns back to Azama and Rai -- who was gently staring at us -- and gives them a thumbs up. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

With that, the five of us walked to the locker rooms on the second floor, where Satoshi, Shiomi, Nakata, and Tomori were waiting for us.

Tomori hangs her arm around Satoshi, who meekly watches us, and Nakata and Shiomi both stand on opposite sides of the room. Nakamoto closes the door behind us, and I find myself gravitating to a corner of the room away from the others.

“So, we’re all here,” Shiomi says, adjusting his glasses. “What do you say we get this started?”

Yuka jumps up and down. “About time! No one’s told me what’s going on!”

“Same,” Satoshi says, sighing to himself. “What’s going on? Ken?”

I go to speak, but, Nakata steps up instead.

“Shiomi, Azama, and I discussed having a meeting with everyone so we can clear up everything. It has come to our attention that where we are -- as a group -- isn’t good enough. If you all wanna make it out of here alive, we need to lay everything out on the table right here and now. Our problems, our doubts, our fears, whatever information we may have. Now is the time.”

Did she just leave me out of the discussion…?

I was there, too, right? Maybe I’ve gone mad…

Tomori and Satoshi exchange glances, before Tomori nods to him. “Yeah, I have a problem I’d like to discuss.”

“Which is?”

“I don’t like the way you treat us.”

“Hmm?”

Nakata tilts her head -- as if aware of Tomori’s intent right from the get-go. “You’re using fear to force us to discuss our problems, right? Even now you say, ‘if you all’ and now ‘if we’. You don’t see yourself as part of us.”

“A fair assessment,” Nakata says. “It is true that I haven’t been a team player recently, however I say that knowing that none of you can kill me. I am not worried about what becomes of me, as I know that no matter the case I’ll live.”

“Her arrogance disgusts me,” Yuka mumbles, letting her face drop. “Was Ma-chan always like this?!”

“I was,” Nakata says. “I had to pretend I wasn’t however, in order to learn what I needed to learn.”

“And what did you learn?” Satoshi asks.

“Who I can trust.”

There’s a silence. A long one.

“Anything else?”

So...she was using me? Using me to get in with the group, so she could learn about us -- study us? That’s...what it sounds like to me.

I’m sorry, Nakata. I should’ve known. I should’ve known better than to trust you, and now, you don’t even trust me. I...would’ve died for you. I still would die for you. You were my best friend when we first got here, and…

...I love you. I love you with all of my heart. Yet, you hate me.

“Shiomi, what was it you were saying in the sauna earlier?” Azama asks, raising an eyebrow. “Since this was your idea to begin with?”

“I’m not as fired up as before, but the point remains. We won’t make it out of here by hiding behind false unity. We need to be strong, together -- in reality, not make believe. Aside from Tomori, Nakamoto, -- and evidently, Nakata -- we’re not actors. Ken isn’t. Kitoaji isn’t. Yuka isn’t. Satoshi isn’t. I’m not. If we continue to avoid our problems, we’re going to falter and fall and MonoMech will win.”

“For starters, stop withholding information from us. Stop attacking one another with insults. Azama, Nakata, Yuka, you three are more responsible for this. We can’t be alienating each other like you all love to do or else you’ll push someone over.”

“Secondly, Nakata, Ken, you two need to talk it out. I don’t care if it’s here or when you guys are alone or what but it needs to happen.”

“I’d love that,” Nakata says.

I find myself shrinking. I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or taunting me, and in the end I can only force myself to nod. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Nakata just sighs. “I don’t believe that’s true, Ken.”

“If you don’t work it out, you know what happens,” Shiomi says.

“I don't need to be friends with Nakata to be united with this group,” I mumble. “As long as I have the rest of you, I--”

If one could just read my words, I’m sure I could sound unbelievable. However, my voice didn’t match my words -- I was shaking.

Even now, I’m chickening out.

“You can’t just force these things,” Nakamoto says, raising his hands defensively. “If they’re not ready, they’re not ready.”

“I don’t need to make up with Nakata,” I say, again. “The rest of you are dear to me -- I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.”

“See? Leave him alone now~!” Yuka exclaims, throwing her hands in the air.

Shiomi sighs as Nakata’s indifferent face turns back to Tomori. Even now she doesn’t care. I wish I were like that.

Yuka shuffles beside me, as Rai begins to speak. “I think we should discuss what we know so far about...our situation.”

Nakata nods. “It may be good to review all of our information. For starters, Saishi and Ken found that there were seventeen students living in this school, not just the sixteen of his who started out here.”

“We later found out that that seventeenth person was a Kyouka Izumi,” Satoshi says.

“Wasn’t her name Komaru?” Azama asks.

Satoshi tilts his head. “Maybe...I don’t know.”

“Komaru sounds right,” I say. “I mean, at least I think it does…”

“Well, who has the sheet?” Tomori asks.

“I did,” Satoshi says. “But, I couldn’t find it this morning.”

“Did someone take it?” Rai asks, their eyebrow raised.

He shakes his head. “I probably only misplaced it...though, MonoMech took the last note away from Ken anyways, right? He could’ve taken it when I was sleeping.”

“MonoMech is so inconsistent, is he not?” Nakata asks, shaking her head.

“Ah--you guys said his name--!” Nakamoto exclaims. “Now he’s gonna magically pop up like he always does!”

Azama shakes her head. “He can’t hear us anyway, remember? No cameras!”

Yuka sits on the ground next to me and hugs her knees. “Unless there *is* a traitor.”

A silence falls on the room. I see everyone turn their heads in our direction, and, I can’t help but look down at Yuka, as well. “What if--Obi-chan was right. What if there is a traitor…? You all saw how much he believed it--!”

…

Huh…?

Yuka thinks...one of us could be a traitor?

“He was delusional at that point,” Tomori says. “It’s hard to believe there is actually a traitor.”

“If you don’t believe him, believe Mono-chan,” Yuka says, her voice muffled as she turns away from the group. “When Obi-chan asked Mono-chan about Sa-chan being the traitor, Mono-chan said, she wasn’t the traitor…”

“So you’re worried because MonoMech said, ‘she’s not the traitor’ instead of ‘there is no traitor’?” Azama asks. “What a stupid thing to be worried about…”

“MonoMech thrives on paranoia,” Shiomi says, adjusting his glasses.

“We can’t give him what he wants!” Nakamoto exclaims. “There is no traitor, Yuka-chi! Believe me!”

Yuka only whimpers. “I knew you wouldn’t believe me.”

I sit down beside her. “You don’t have to worry, Yuka. We’ve been through so much together--it’s hard to imagine anyone betraying us.”

“I know.”

She’s lying to me. I know she’s just saying that to get the attention off of her. Does she really think there’s a traitor…?

I put my arm around her and she flinches -- but soon falls back into me.

“Is there anything else we should discuss…?” Tomori asks, nudging Satoshi.

“We didn’t discuss everything we know about our captivity yet,” Nakata says. “Shall we continue…? Or shall we discuss something else?”

“I don’t care about where we are,” Nakamoto says, scratching his neck. “I only care about how we’re gonna get out of here. Unless anyone has a plan, I’m going to go see if Mio-chi left behind anything we can use.”

“Oh, do you mean from when MonoMech discovered you guys?” Shiomi asks. “Would you like me to come with you.”

Nakamoto shakes his head. “I need someone to distract MonoMech while I find everything, if you’re up for that.”

Shiomi gives Nakamoto a thumbs up. “Leave it to me.”

“Before that,” Azama says, raising her hand. “Is there any more concerns we should address before breaking.”

…

This could be my chance. This could be my final chance to confront Nakata. To ask her why she said all those things -- to ask what we can do about it. To ask how I could get stronger.

But...should I?

“We shouldn’t be here for too much longer,” Rai mumbles. “MonoMech’ll get suspicious.”

As if on cue, the door to the changing room opens, and the tiny MonoMech doll enters the room.

“Damn right I’m suspicious--! What the hell are you kids doing here this late at night?! And why was I not invited?!”

“Privacy, please,” Nakata says. “We were just discussing how to divide the sauna so only girls will be in at one time and boys in another. This morning we had an incident where there was a problem, and I’d like to prevent it from happening again.”

MonoMech bends forward. “Really…?”

He turns to us. “Why is the pink girl upset then?”

Yuka flinches again in my arms. “She’s really tired. She’s normally in bed before the nighttime announcement rings.”

Nice one, me!

I internally give myself a pat on the back as MonoMech suspiciously turns away from us. “Then you shouldn’t keep her here long, should you?”

Nakata nods. “That is probably correct. We should be going.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Shiomi says, looking back to Nakamoto -- who simply nods. “MonoMech, we had a couple questions to ask you.”

“Oh, really?” MonoMech asks. “What is it -- and before you ask, I am single! Isamu, could it be--?!”

Shiomi grimaces, but looks back at the rest of us. “You all can go.”

Nakamoto is the first to take that cue and race out of the changing room. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wanna help him or see if Mio had left anything we could use behind, but…

...instead, I help Yuka to her feet, and leave the changing room, with Rai, Nakata, Azama, Satoshi, and Tomori following us.

“Will those two be fine without us?” Satoshi asks. “I’m not sure if I trust them all alone…”

“You don’t trust them?” Tomori asks. “Why not?”

He shakes his head. “I say trust as in trust that they’re smart enough to pull this off on their own. You feel me?”

“I have to admit, it’s nice to see Shiomi taking initiative,” Azama says. “If those two can pull this off...I’ll apologize and take responsibility for how I’ve been treating them.” She sighs as we reach the staircase. “Ku-chan, remember how I told you about my friend? The one that they took?”

I look back at her as we begin to descend the stairs. “Y-Yeah. It’s someone you care about a lot, right?”

She nods. “Her name is Naho. She’s the one who taught me to play the violin -- she’s the reason I’m here right now. When I saw her -- when I saw Tani’s friends get executed like they did along with her, I realized that if I had continued to assault you guys that they would’ve also been executed. I know it’s hypocritical of me to bash Shiomi for the same mistakes I made, but...he’s got a little brother watching us right now. What if he continues to make the wrong choices? His little brother has to continue watching him, and what if one day his mistakes are what kills him?”

“I’d be more hurt if Naho had to watch me die than if I were to actually die. I don’t wanna think about what that’d do to her -- I just want Shiomi to realize the same thing. His little brother shouldn’t have to watch him die here.”

“Do you love her?” Rai asks.

Azama goes quiet, if only for a moment. “Maybe so. It’s the same for you, right Satoshi?”

“Huh?” Satoshi asks.

“You love your best friend too, right? The one who gave you those arrows you always wear.”

Out of the corner of my eye I see Satoshi grasp hold of one of the arrows that hang around his back. He looks sad, almost defeated. “I don’t even know if they’ll recognize me when this is over…”

We finally reach the dorm area.

“You haven’t changed that much,” I say. “Maybe a bit scruffier, and maybe your hair’s a bit too long now...but nothing has really changed.”

He laughs. “I’m not sure if that’s what I meant…”

Rai and Tomori separate from us when they go into their rooms. I still kinda feel bad about not letting Rai stay over, but they seemed to be fine when we said goodbye.

I look to Yuka who continues to hang off of my shoulder. She looks dejected, and a little nauseous...maybe I should go get her some tea. “Are you sure you wanna stay over? You look like you need all the rest you can get.”

“I’m fine, Big Brother Ken.”

She says it, but...I know she’s lying again.

“Good night, guys,” Satoshi says, as he disappears into his room. Azama follows suit into the room next to mine, just leaving Nakata, Yuka, and I in the hallway.

“Are you sick?”

“No,” she says. “I just don’t get why no one will believe me.”

“I believe you,” I say.

“You won’t.”

…

What does that mean?

“Why not?” Nakata asks.

She turns away from Nakata and opens the room to my door. “I need to lay down!”

She walks inside my room and I turn back to Nakata, who silently watches Yuka leave. “Nakata, I--”

She glares at me, and, I find myself freezing. “If you don’t wanna discuss it, let’s not.”

“I just wanted to apologize.”

She stops in her tracks. “For what?”

“For being so useless -- for not being trustworthy enough. I realize how much of a burden I must’ve been to you, so...I’m sorry. If we get out of here, then maybe we can talk this through, but I--I don’t wanna force you to be with me if you don’t wanna be.”

She looks down to the ground. “Ken, it’s not--”

“Big Brother Ken, come here! There’s a big big spider in the sink!”

I look back to Yuka who is now on her knees on my bed, pointing to the bathroom. I turn away from Nakata and throw my hand up. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Ken.”

I close the door behind me as I enter my bedroom. Yuka’s bright smile replaces the gloomy look she wore earlier, and she throws up a peace sign. “Welcome home~!”

I faintly smile. “Where is this spider?”

“There is none! I just wanted to protect you from that scary Ma-chan! Who knows what’ll happen if I leave you alone for too long?!”

“I’m forever in your debt.”

“Yes you are!”

I crawl into my bed and sit beside Yuka. “So, what’s on your mind?”

She tilts her head. “Nothing. What’s in your empty brain?!”

“Really? You just seemed a little…”

She shrugs her shoulders. “I was just thinking of my dad, Big Brother Ken!”

“Your dad?” I ask.

“Yeah! I was thinking before about how much he’d disapprove of me being with so many boys here! Especially since I’m sharing a room with one right now!”

I tilt my head. “You’ve never had boy friends? You seem like you know how to talk to them, at least. Better than me.”

“I went to an all-girls high school, but I have four older brothers and a dad, so I know a thing or two!”

“Four older brothers?!” I ask.

Isn’t that a bit excessive--?!

She nods, and I continue. “Were they on your DVD for the first motive?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “I didn’t watch it, remember?! Mono-chan gave it to us to scare us-- to make us betray one another! I couldn’t and wouldn’t!”

She smirks. “But I wonder who it is. If it’s Sota-chan he’s probably freaking out right now--! When we get out of here, I’ll protect you from him, though!”

…

Why do I feel like my life’s in danger?

She giggles though, and I can’t help but smile as well. She pulls my pillow to her chest and steadily rocks back and forth.

I rise from my bed and go in the bathroom. I’m met by the shattered mirror from a few nights ago, and, I can’t help but feel a little uneasy. I can’t believe I went so low...and I can’t believe Obinata made me tell everyone about.

I could just die.

“Big Brother Ken, I love you.”

…

Huh…?

I hadn’t realized, but Yuka had followed me to the doorway of the bathroom. Her smile has dissipated, and she’s wearing that gloomy look all over again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“Don’t be,” I say. “I--I deserved it.”

“No you didn’t--!”

“Yuka, can I ask you something?”

She nods. She looks more disappointed than before. “Only if I can ask you something, Big Brother Ken.”

I nod and walk back to the bed. She sits down at the foot of the bed and I find myself sitting beside her. “Why didn’t you say anything to Ma-chan? Well, why’d you apologize?”

I sigh. “I...don’t know. I just figured that’s what I had to do.”

“I don’t get it,” she says, crossing her arms. “I just don’t! She should be the one!”

“I-I guess…”

“No one breaks your heart and gets away with it! Not if Yuka Kihara has anything to say about it--!”

“It’s fine, Yuka, really--!”

She settles back down and frowns. “Fine. You go.”

I find myself looking down at Yuka -- right into her big, pink eyes. “What’s really been on your mind? About the traitor?”

She sighs. “You don’t wanna hear it. You won’t believe me. You’ll laugh.”

I shake my head. “I won’t laugh -- I promise.”

“Will you believe me?”

“I’ll try.” She looks away for a moment, and when her gaze returns to me she takes a deep breath. “I don’t trust Rai-chan.”

The second she said those words, I could tell she instantly regretted telling me. She bit her lower lip hard and turned her face away from me. Her body began to shiver, and, mine did too, in truth.

Yuka thinks...Rai is the traitor?

“W-Why…?”

She shakes her head. “You don’t believe me.”

I don’t. How could Rai be the traitor…? It’s just not possible--!

“Are you mad?”

She tries to turn back to me, but she can’t force herself. Instead she opts to to lower her head.

“Of course not, Yuka--I just don’t understand. Why can’t we trust Rai?”

“I just don’t,” she mumbles. “There’s something about Rai-chan I don’t like. I-I didn’t wanna tell you because I know you love Rai-chan, but--!”

She spins around so we’re face to face. As tears began to fall down her face, as her lips began to quiver, she just stare at me. It was like she was begging me to believe her. That I *had* to believe her.

She grabs my shoulders. “I don’t want you to get hurt, Big Brother Ken! But, please--!”

I only silently nod. I plant my hand on Yuka’s head, and, force whatever smile I can muster at her. “I got it Yuka, I’ll be careful, so please don’t cry. If you continue to cry, then I’ll cry, and it’s just not going to be pretty, okay?”

She nods, and lets go of my shoulders. She wipes away at her tears and stands up at the foot of my bed. “I’ll talk to you later, Big Brother Ken. Please, just--be careful, okay? If I were to lose you, like I lost Big Sister Chie, I...I don’t know what I’d do.”

Don’t let her leave.

I nod. “You’re not staying over anymore?”

She shakes her head and turns away from me. “I need some time. I don’t like thinking about complicated things, so I need all the room I can muster.”

Ken, chase after her.

As she opens the door to leave my room, she turns back to me one final time. “Goodnight!”

Don’t let her close that door--!

“See you tomorrow.”

She closes the door behind her, and I’m all alone again.

''Before she gets too far, get her. Go back to her.''

I get up and lock the door behind her. I turn back toward my bed and jump onto it. The second my head hit my pillow, my thoughts overtook me.

Yuka thinks Rai is the traitor…? She never did say why, just that it was a feeling she had. I don’t think that feeling came from nowhere, but, it isn’t possible! It can’t be.

Rai can’t be the traitor.

Scratch that--there isn’t a traitor. I can’t think like that--!

''Get up, idiot. Go get Yuka.''

Why was she talking like that…?

When Yuka left, I had this deep ache in my chest. It was like there was someone telling me to go after her--there was this feeling of future regret. It was as if there was something in me that knew that that was the last time I’d see Yuka.

It slowly began eating me up.

No matter how much I tried to think of something else, like Nakata, or Rai, or--just anything else, my mind drifted back to Yuka’s crying face.

Was this really the last time I’d see her…? Why did our conversation sound like it was the final one…?

Yuka...please let me be wrong--!