Board Thread:Off-topic/@comment-4105222-20150823024442/@comment-4939094-20150824012600

(why not)

Finally after much suffering and years of having no swag to be called swag, Mr. Gyllenhaal was given the Oscar nomination for his movie Nightcrawlers. Mostly because this made history for the young film star, Jake used the publicity surrounding his awesome nomination to get a part in the new Star Wars movie as the new character Jing-phi Skywalker. He kicked back and relaxed, until he heard a noise outside of his awesome mansion that he'd bought with his profits. He said "who be there" and a voice said "i be here". The next day, Jake returned to his mansion after filming a scene of the new Star Wars movie and he saw there was a shadow in his living room. He said "you be here still" and the voice said "i ain't here".

Relieved, Jake sat in his armchair and watched the news. Stopping to see the 10 o'clock news, the reporters were talking and one said "there be somebody on the loose" and the other reporter said "wut u mean". Jake went pffft. Then he heard a noise coming from his kitchen. "yo alberto my dear butler, be that you?" Jake said. "ain't me, yo" a voice said from inside Jake's closet. "Da heck," said Jake. Before he could react to finding Alberto in his closet, a noise screamed to him from the kitchen. "WHO BE THERE?!" Jake screamed, visibly angry now because of Alberto living in his closet.

"you be here" the voice told Jake.

"who is you"

"i'm Yu"

A bolt of thunder slashed across Jake's bedroom door—it was the secret asian man...

"NO! it be you!"

"Yes, I am Yu!"

"I be me, you be Yu?"

"da heck," said Alberto.

"I be the Nightcrawler," Yu said. "and i've come for your Oscar nomination swag."

"no" jake said "it can't be"

"you thought wrong" Yu said "and i want to be you, too."

"man u already be Yu"

"no, i mean YOU."

The secret asian man roared and it thundered once more—the only witness was Alberto. Later when a hooded secret asian man went to the movie theater to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens, he remarked to the popcorn guy how he was here to see the movie because he "knew the the actor playing Jing-phi Skywalker" and the popcorn guy said "that be jake gyllenhaal" and the secret asian man winked creepily at the dude, for the Jake Gyllenhaal in the movie was kinda asian looking.

rip jake gyllenhaal who lived with an Oscar nomination and died wif swag