Fear The Living/Antarctica Gang

This is Evil Penguin's solo issue from Fear The Living, and it should have been released a long time ago.

Evil Penguin Solo Issue
Long before there was Ken and his super group that could survive anything, long before there were zombies, LONG BEFORE THERE WERE HUMANS, THERE WERE PENGUINS (okay wait a second cut, cut, cut. PENGUINS?! How much are you paying me to narrate this again? THAT MUCH! Well damn what else do you want me to say.). And before there was the universe there was EVIL PENGUIN. *DUN DUN DUUUUUUN*.

When we learn about the bible we are taught there are 3 main figures, the father, the son, and the holy spirit. Well before it used to be 4, which involved the holy penguin, but then one thing lead to another and he was kicked out. When the 4 were planning out how to create the universe, the holy penguin started going on and on about how there should be an equal amount of penguins and humans in the world (Hey guys before we continue I got one question for you, WHERE DO THE ZOMBIES FIT INTO THIS? Later on? Alright because I’m pretty sure the reader is waiting for them at this point and not interested in learning about a holy penguin.). He also started talking about how they should have infinite riches for themselves and basically a lot of greedy stuff. Well turns out the 3 others realized how fucking stupid it was to have a penguin with them to start off and they kicked him out of the group. Of course however they didn’t wipe his memory or take away any of his powers so he ended up becoming a pain in the ass for them. Before they created the universe they made a deal with the penguin that they would make a continent on earth exclusively for his species, and promised that the humans wouldn’t fuck it up (global warming fgts you lied). The newly christened ‘Evil Penguin’ decided that was a good deal and he agreed to it, and he ended up becoming the penguin ‘god’, even though he is more of a douchebag and is probably like the devil and makes them do too much shit for himself (Btw every penguin ever was created by Evil Penguin, either sexually or threw his magic.)

When the universe was created Evil Penguin started whoring himself around to other species and created other species of birds (yeah you know how ‘scientists’ say that penguins evolved from other birds and grew flippers and shit cause of their environments, well this dumbass writer is asking you to suspend disbelief and think the other way around. JUST DO IT). And then when the humans couldn’t keep their side of the bargain and started to cause global warming Evil Penguin decided he was going to have his revenge. Remembering that he had his powers from when he was part of the 4 he decided to cast a curse upon the humans and cause their dead to raise and begin eating one another. He then proceeded to continue chilling in Antarctica and making his penguin brothers do all his work while he sat down and fucked their wives, long dick style. And of course this ended up pissing of the 3.

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“YOU CAN’T JUST CAST A CURSE THAT STARTS TO MAKE ZOMBIES TO KILL OF THE HUMANS WITHOUT OUR CONSENT.” Jesus yelled at Evil Penguin.

“AND YOU TOLD ME THAT THOSE LAZY FUCKS WHO DON’T DO ANYTHING TO HELP THEIR ENVIRONMENT WOULDN’T HURT ANTARTICA.” Evil Penguin yelled at them.

“Calm down faggots and lets just think this through. Now there is only one way to solve this, and it is obviously to get Evil Penguin to revert the zombie cure, and we get the humans to fix global warming. Pretty simple right scrubs.” The Holy spirit said in a calm voice.

“Yeah you see, it’s not that simple, there’s an anomaly outside of this universe you created, and his name is Lee Everett. When I created the curse I didn’t read the part where a 7 year old illiterate little scrub would be writing the curse. Basically I created a little scrub along with the curse, and he dictates how the story goes. So either we could wait till he ends the disease, or we have to go there and cancel the story.” Evil Penguin said. “Well damn son when we gave you Antarctica we didn’t think you would end up fucking the human race. Like shit do you want us to bring in those aliens? Cause we’ll bring in the UFO’s every sees everywhere. But that would cause mass panic because people always think alien’s will be hostile for some reason.” God told Evil Penguin.

“Well you know your job then Penguin, you got to go to Lee Shitverett or what ever the little shit’s name is and you have to get this story canceled.” Jesus told Evil Penguin.

“Yeah about that, in his world I would kind of just like squawk because I’m a fucking Penguin (OH MY GOD I CAN’T TAKE THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY ANYMORE. HEY WRITER I EITHER NEED MORE MONEY OR I QUIT, I CAN’T CONTINUE RUINING MY REPUTATION WITH THIS SHITSTAIN OF A STORY. WAIT I GET 10x THE AMOUNT OF MONEY I GOT BEFORE. DAMN I’LL SUCK HIS TINY LITTLE PENGUIN NUTS IF YOU’RE PAYING ME THAT MUCH.). So I’m going to need like a pen and some paper, and like a bookbag if you can give me them.” Evil Penguin told the other 3.

“Dude, YOU STILL GOT YOUR GODLIKE POWERS! YOU CAN CONJURE YOURSELF UP SOME RIGHT NOW!” Jesus responded.

“Goddamn Jesus, chill. Why can’t you just get yourself some pen and paper yourself?” God asked Evil Penguin.

“Well you see I forgot the name of the spell and I got fucking flippers and I can’t turn the book of magic to see what the name of the spell is. Not even my penguin servants could get the pages turned for me.” Evil Penguin responded.

“So I die for my people’s sins, and YOU FORCE THEM TO TURN PAGES IN A BOOK FOR YOU. WHAT ELSE DO THEY DO, WARM YOU WITH THEIR BREATHS? HAVE THEIR WIVES GIVE YOU SUCKY SUCKY?” Jesus yelled angrily at Evil Penguin (HAHAHAHAHA, okay okay I had to get that out of my head. Like seriously I’m reading a story about a Penguin with horns speaking to Jesus Christ, AND YOU’RE PAYING ME THAT MUCH? Goddamn this is my favorite job to date.)

“Well here you go” The Holy Spirit said, and he conjured up a bookbag for Evil Penguin, which was filled with a notebook and some pens. “How are you going to get to the kid tho?”

“Well the spell opens up a portal, on the opposite side of the world from where I was, to his world and I can use the portal to get in there and out.” Evil Penguin responded.

“Well to teach you a lesson on ABUSING YOUR POWERS, we are going to have to suspend your powers until you return.” God said.

“Oh come on, I’m a fat fuck penguin who can barely waddle at a speed of 0.000001 centimeters per hour, and you expect me to survive a journey to the Artic WITHOUT MY POWERS!.” Evil Penguin said.

”Hey you caused this, and now humans are dying because of your dumbass decision, so either we permanently take away your powers and take care of this by ourselves, or we take away your powers for the duration of this journey and you learn how life is for regular people and penguins.” The Holy Spirit said.

“Well fuck me sideways and call me Sally, if I have to choose one of those I’ll just go with the second one.” Evil Penguin replies, while secretly wishing he would have just chosen to give the Humans eternal diarrhea instead of zombies.

“You have hereby been stripped of your powers until you are able to solve the problem you started. I do not wish you any luck.” Jesus says, and he proceeds to strip Evil Penguin of his powers.

Evil Penguin sits down on his ice throne in Antarctic and ponders about how he is going to get to the Arctic ocean all the way on the other side of the Earth. One of his servants walks in front of him to give Evil Penguin some fish they caught and he stops the servant.

“Hey Blacky, what do you think of the idea of coming with me to solve this zombie problem?” Evil Penguin told the servant.

“Well if you want I could round up some of my friends and we could accompany you and protect you on your quest.” Blacky said, he was a regular looking penguin, except for the fact that he was born with a defect which took away his white feathers and yellow beak colors and made him all black.

“Yeah that’s a good idea, the more the merrier.” Evil Penguin thought, while also considering how much of an idiot that servant was. Since his travel path took him straight through the USA, Evil Penguin needed some people next to him to use as extras so himself, the main character, could hopefully survive the story unscathed.

After a bit Blacky returned with three other penguins named Daniel, Adrien, and Zain. “These are my friends, and they have brought some fish we could eat on the journey.” Blacky said.

“Then quit flapping your beak and go and fill up the iceberg with all the stuff you can before we set for the USA.” Evil Penguin said.

After a while had passed Evil Penguin, Blacky, Adrien, Daniel, and Zain were all on the iceberg they had seen floating around, and they had their food in a little pile. The ride was silent, with Evil Penguin randomly breaking into Happy Feet style dancing and singing.(The singing and dancing sounded a bit like this btw.)

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Although they eventually started to notice that the iceberg was starting to become smaller, and that it was getting very hotter.

“Well fucking bullocks m8, I think the iceberg is melting, and how close are we to the USA?” Evil Penguin asked, and then Blacky took out the map that they had drawn back in Antarctica.

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“You don’t actually have a damn clue where we are do you? For all you know we could actually be heading towards India and become the reverse Christopher Columbus.” Evil Penguin said.

“Don’t worry I know what I’m doing.” Blacky says, and the moment he finishes speaking the map flies out of his flipper after a gust of wind sends it flying away.

“I.” Zain says.

“For fucks sake.” Daniel says.

“Fuck.” Adrien says.

“Well nice job Blacky, now we are stuck in the middle of nowhere, WITHOUT A FAKE MAP TO GET US TO THE USA. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY.” Evil Penguin yelled at Blacky.

“Well at least we have each other.” Blacky says.

“I DON’T KNOW ANYONE OF YOU AND TO BE HONEST I ALREADY HATE YOU BLACKY. LEARN TO BE A SMART FUCKING PENGUIN. USE THAT PEA SIZED BRAIN OF YOURS.” Evil Penguin yelled.

“Wait a second, is that land I see?” Adrien says.

“And it looks like Miami, just look it’s a beach with palm trees right. That’s like all of Miami.” Evil Penguin says.

“Well if you were to look down you would see we are sinking because that iceberg melted quickly.” Daniel says.

“FUCK, GET THE FISH QUICK.” Evil Penguin yells, remembering that the fish they put on the iceberg probably went down with the iceberg.

They swim down to chase after the fish corpses, but they instantly swim back the moment they see a couple of sharks going for the fish also. They swam as fast as they could and they eventually reached the shore of the beach and the sharks left with their fish.

“Well fuckity fucking fuck shit balls ass dick cunt bitch fuck. We are lost, on a beach, without food, and there are bound to be zombies that want to feast on our tiny penguin guts. Well how else could this get worst?” Evil Penguin says, and his question is answered the moment they hear a groan. They look to their right and see a couple of zombies grouping around a dead body. The zombies finish off the body and begin to walk towards the penguins. (Play this music for the next scene).

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The Penguins instantly started to run, but their running speed was equal to the zombies walking speed. They started running to the left, and the zombies followed. They began turning around a tree and the zombies followed them around the tree for a while until Blacky tripped. A zombie grabbed Blacky with one hand, and the other penguins tugged at Blacky’s leg trying to free him from the zombie, after a while they managed to pull him away, and they continued to run away. They slid on the bellies into the water, and the zombies followed them. They swam to where the sharks were, and the zombies followed suit. The moment the penguins saw the shark they turned away quickly, and the sharks ended up going after the zombies. (you can stop the music now.)

They waddled onto land, and began to catch their breath. Evil Penguin flopped on the ground, thinking about all the food and bitches he left back in Antarctica.

“Why didn’t I bring some hoes along with us, it could have made this trip exciting, but instead we are all penguin sausage fest. Man I’m hungry for some fucking food.” Evil Penguin said.

Evil Penguin’s mind slowly started to fade towards all the different kinds of fish he could be eating, but then Zain smacked Evil Penguin, and brought him back to reality. “YOU DARE TO HIT ME, I COULD HAVE YOU CASTRATED FOR THAT!” Evil Penguin yelled

“Castrated by who? We are the people who do the work for you.” Zain replied.

“Oh yeah, well then let’s just get on and head on north, the sooner we get to the Arctic Ocean the sooner I can get my powers back.” Evil Penguin says.

“You know I’m pretty sure the holy trinity took away your powers to you know, teach you a lesson, not to have you complaining every five seconds about getting your powers back.” Adrien says.

“Shut the fuck up and let’s get going.” Evil Penguin says, and the group get on moving.

After a while the group reaches a building, which seems empty so they enter it. Inside of the building they see a man in an eyepatch ready to enter a room. The man turns around for a second and he sees the Penguins standing there.

“What in the sweet mother of fuck?” Wesley says, but before he can say anymore the penguins quickly waddle towards him and with all their weight combined they trip him backwards. The man swings his hand towards Daniel, and knocks him down. Evil Penguin grabs what seems to be a knife from the man’s boot, and with both flippers steadies it. The man swings his hand at Evil Penguin, and thinking quickly Evil Penguin thrusts the knife forward, into Wesley’s hand.

Wesley tries to yell from the pain, but Adrien covers his mouth. Evil Penguin yanks the knife from his hand and Zain and Daniel hold down Wesley’s arms. Evil Penguin moves towards Wesley’s head with the knife and thrusts the knife into Wesley’s head. Wesley’s body goes limp and the Penguins all give a sigh of relief.

“Did we just kill someone?” Blacky asks.

“Yeah, and it felt damn good, WOOO. Alright now help me try to open this door.” Evil Penguin says, and they help him open the door.

When they walk in through the door they see someone standing there, with one of the most puzzled looks on ever. “Penguins are my last test?” Ken Myers Jr. asks.

“Ok where the fuck did these Penguins come from and where the hell is Wesley?” Wolf yells over the speakers. “The fuck do you mean the camera’s caught those penguins killing Wesley. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK, OH MY GOD, OH MY SIDES ARE HURTING. HAHAHA OH MY GOD THIS IS HILARIOUS. 5 LITTLE FUCKING PENGUINS KILLED WESLEY FUCKING SNIPE. OH MY GOD. I. CAN’T. BREATHE.”

“Wesley’s dead? No, no that can’t be. Especially not to these 5 penguins.” Ken says.

“What do we do Evil Penguin?” Zain asks.

“I don’t know, uh, uh, just sing in unison and slowly back out of this room.” (play the song)

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Ken just stared at the penguins as they slowly backed away from the room, and they could still hear Wolf laughing his ass off over the speakers. The Penguins continued to sing in unison so no one would try to stop them. Some of the bandits laughed at the Penguins as they slowly backed away. After the Penguins left the building they all silently agreed to try to forget what happened there.

A couple of weeks had passed, and the Penguins had finally reached the end of Canada and they had finally reached the Arctic ocean, but they still had to find the damn portal. They sat around wondering how they were going to swim to the portal, because the waters could be dangerous, and they could get tired in the water.

“I think we are going to need help.” Evil Penguin says. (play song)

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Before anymore of them could speak suddenly John Cena appeared out of nowhere and said, “I’m here to grant my 501st make-a-wish. What would are your wishes young deformed children.”

“The overused John Cena meme is here to help us, I think we better tell him where we need to get.” Evil Penguin whispered to the rest of the group. They all nodded yes. “Yes well you see John, our wish is to get to the middle of the Arctic Ocean, because there is something we need there. Do you think you could help us?” Evil Penguin told John Cena.

“Well let me tell you kids a little lesson in never give up, and hustle loyalty and respect. I’ll help you get there, just hop on my shoulders. I’ll attitude adjustment you to your location.” John Cena says.

All the penguins hop onto his shoulders, and before they can say anything John Cena launches them off of his shoulders, and they suddenly feel themselves getting thrown forward at a shit ton of miles per hour. After what feels like a few seconds they suddenly find themselves in the middle of the ocean.

“There’s no portal here.” Blacky says.

“Are you sure you had the location right Evil Penguin?” Adrien asks.

“Of course, according to where I was in Antarctica, the portal should be he-” Evil Penguin says, but before he can finish his sentence he is suddenly teleported away.

Evil Penguin looks around where he has been teleported to, and it looks like a typical human bedroom. When he looks to the right he sees a kid typing away at his computer.

“Is your name Lee?” Evil Penguin asks the kid.

“Yeah, why?” Lee says.

“Listen I need you to cancel your story, if you don’t then the world will be in serious danger.” Evil Penguin says.

“No way I’m scrapping FTL, I’ve gotten too far into the story to just give up on it. Wait a second, why the fuck am I talking to an english speaking Penguin.” Lee says.

“Exactly, why else would I be speaking to you if it weren’t important.” Evil Penguin says.

“THERE’S NO WAY I’M CANCELLING MY STORY!” Lee yells, and the moment he finishes, Evil Penguin knocks down his computer, and then proceeds to break it. Evil Penguin then grabs the kids phone and flushes it down a toilet.

“There, story done, goodbye.” Evil Penguin says, and before the kid can punt kick him he teleports away.

When Evil Penguin finally wakes up after teleporting away from the kids room he sees he is in the room of the holy trinity. “Good job Evil Penguin, when you go back to Antarctica everything will be just like you left it, and we have given you your powers back. Just remember that next time you get angry at the humans that all you have to do is take it up with us. So did you learn anything about life without powers?” Jesus says.

“Yeah, REGULAR LIFE FUCKING BLOWS, SEE YOU LOSERS.” Evil Penguin yells, and he teleports away back to Antarctica.