Anguish & Desire/Chapter Fourteen

This is Chapter Fourteen of Danganronpa: Anguish & Desire, Poison Time!. In this chapter, MonoMech presents another motive & Ken tries to come to terms with his feelings.

Author's Note: "If we want to survive, you can't be picking the easy way out, you have no but to choose the painful paths... you have to suffer and writhe through... before you can finally survive..." - Touko Fukawa, the Ultimate Writing Prodigy.

“Excuse me, excuse me! I’m sorry to interrupt you children, but would all available students please come to the gymnasium please? It’s tiiiime for a motive!”

A motive…?

Tha-That’s a lie, right?! We can’t have a motive now...not like this…?

“N-No,” Azama mumbles. “Another motive--now?!”

Shiho clenches his fist. “Why…?”

“Seriously?!” Nakamoto exclaims.

“Because of their current state, Ukon and Mio are the only ones excused from this event, so can everyone else please come forwarrrd?! The moood finally feels right!”

The mood?

Is this what MonoMech was waiting for…?

For us to be completely demoralized as it is?

Or for us to finally have the smallest shred of hope?

“We should go,” Nakata says, turning her back toward us. “We know what’ll happen if we don’t.”

“R-Right,” Satoshi says, nodding his head. He’s uneasily shaking his arm. “We can’t defy him, after all.”

Rai takes a deep breath and walks in front of me. They slowly turn their head, and their already tear-stained face drops. “Ken, should we--?”

“We have to go!” Saishi interrupts, pushing his way past Rai and I, and just like that, he’s gone.

“Let’s just get it over with,” Shiho says, shaking his head. “It’s not like we have much of a choice.”

And, one by one, everyone turned their backs to us and stormed out of the cafeteria.

That was until it was just Rai and myself. “I can’t do it, Ken. This...fighting, this doubting. I don’t wanna do it anymore.”

As Rai turns their head away from me, I do the same. “Neither do I.”

“But we gotta, right?”

“But we gotta.”

The walk to the gymnasium was lonesome. Even though I was with Rai -- no, I think no matter who or how many people I was with it’d still be lonesome. MonoMech’s motives are as clear as day: make it impossible for us to trust one another...but that’s why we can’t give in. That’s why we -- as classmates, as friends -- must find it within ourselves to trust one another.

That was all the resolve I needed to carry myself to the gymnasium, my eyes fixated on the back of Rai’s blonde head and the little flower they carry with them.

When we got to the gymnasium, MonoMech waits for us on the stage, and the rest of my classmates stand facing him -- their expressions mixed, their intentions unknown, but I was drawn to one in particular: Zeshin Obinata.

Obinata stands tall, his eyes relaxed, a smile flashing across his face -- almost as if he’d won the lottery (which, considering him, is probably a bad analogy). As his eyes rested upon Rai and I, he nods, and shoots back to the stage. “We are here, Robot. What is it you want to do with us now?”

MonoMech growls, stomping on the wooden floor beneath him. “I have a name, you know?! Be nicer to your principal, Zeshin!”

“That title mean nothing anymore...you broke your own rule.”

MonoMech stops stomping, instead sighing and twiddling his thumbs. “I made a mistake, ‘kay? Just let’s ignore what happened--”

“Ignore?!” Nakamoto snaps back. “You almost killed Mio-chi--!”

“We have no reason to abide by your rules if you can’t even follow them yourself,” Shiho says.

“I make the rules, so I can bend them at will, got it?!”

“That doesn’t seem fair,” Yuka pouts.

“Life isn’t fair, Yuka.”

“I didn’t ask you.”

“G-Guys, please stop arguing with it,” Satoshi says -- his voice feels forced, as if it was a ton of effort to just get them out. “Let’s just here what the motive is and go back to sleep. We’ve had a long day.”

“Yeah, I like that plan,” Azama says, nodding her head...even Saishi in the background smiles to himself. “Can we get this over with?”

“I third this,” Shiho says.

Nakamoto takes a deep sigh of relief, before placing his hand on Satoshi’s shoulder. “Satoshi-chi always has the best plans. Let’s get this over with so I can go make some master tea.”

“Master tea?” Tomori asks, tilting her head. “What’s that?”

Nakamoto smiles to himself, placing his free hand on his hip. “It’s a tea I have perfected with Ukon-chi’s help! One sip will take you to heaven.”

“Heaven sounds nice right about now…” Rai sighs, resting their head on my shoulder.

“Since when did I become your human pillow?”

Rai’s head lifts, and, they puff their cheeks out. “I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about, Ken!”

“The PDA is getting really obnoxious,” Nakamoto says.

“It’s unholy--!” Saishi exclaims.

“Jealous, you two?” Tomori asks, leaning forward. “How cute.”

Do I have to clarify every single time something happens between us?

“It’s really nothing like that.”

As Rai and I finish our sentence together, Tomori began chuckling uproariously. “Rabbit and Kitoaji are in sync, too! It’s become official!”

“The ship has sailed!” Yuka exclaims, before joining Tomori in her excessively loud laughter..

“Okay, enough is enough,” Nakata says, rolling her eyes as she steps forward. “It’s getting late and we’re all clearly out of it -- get to it. Why have you dragged us here.”

Nakata...you’re forever my hero.

“A lot of you discuss heaven -- but, do you know what else will take you to heaven?”

As he said that -- his voice venomous -- the mood in the gymnasium changed in it’s entirety. From the light-hearted laughter and Rai’s cute, beat red face, to tension you could cut with a butter knife -- to complete silence.

That was until, someone answered their own question.

“Starvation.”

...

“Pardon me?”

Shiho was the only one who could say anything at first, but thankfully we have the smartest human being on our side.

“Is that a figure of speech, Mono-chi?!”

I love you, Nakamoto.

“Noooooooooope! I mean it in it’s entirety! Death by starvation will give you a slow rise up to heaven, like so many of you want.”

“No, we get that,” Tomori says. “But what does that have to do with anything.”

“Heaven?”

Azama sighs. “No, the starvation part.”

“Ohhh, that! I was just thinking of execution ideas!”

Uh, excuse me?

“Now, now, talks of execution are not welcome!” Saishi exclaims. “We are a peaceful and cohesive unit, after all!”

“I hate agreeing with him,” Obinata says, sighing, taking a step toward Saishi. “But he’s right.”

“Yeah,” Rai says, nodding their head up and down repeatedly. “No one’s going to kill anyone anymore!”

“Oh, and who decided that?” MonoMech asks. “I will NOT be disobeyed by the very students I swore to protect. Follow the rules, kill one of your friends, and go home. Easy.”

“There’s nothing easy about that--!” Nakamoto exclaims.

“Swore to protect, huh? Fancy way of showing it,” Tomori says.

Nakata sighs. “So, what was this motive you spoke of?”

“Well, what if I were to tell you that there’s a slow-acting poison that’ll make you all go insane and destroy all of your organs…?”

W-What…?

I can’t help but gasp at the thought, and the words escape my mouth. “Are you s-serious?”

“Nah, I’m just messing with my dear students!” MonoMech exclaims, jumping down from the stage toward Nakata. “You should’ve seen the look on all of your faces--well, er, except for the killer over here.”

“Charming,” she mutters.

Oh, thank god.

As all of the tense muscles in my body relax, as I take a deep sigh of relief, my face also goes numb, and my heart drops.

The scene in front of me...MonoMech smirking as he talks down to Nakata, Saishi, Shiho, and Nakamoto still. Yuka, Satoshi, and Tomori standing together, Tomori’s arms wrapped around the both of them. Azama and Satoshi standing on opposite sides of the room by their lonesome, looking at anywhere that’s not MonoMech. Rai, who stands in front of me, moving their head back and forth before spinning around to look to me. All of it goes blurry.

“K-Ken?” Rai asks, covering their mouth with their hand. “You’re bleeding.”

Bleeding.

I’m bleeding.

“K-Ken! W-What happened?!”

“What’s the problem, Kitoaji?”

Whose voice was that? Was that Obinata?

Wait, am I bleeding?

I can’t feel my hands. I can’t feel my face. I can’t--I can’t feel anything.

As Obinata and Nakata both enter my limited field of vision, I can’t hold back anymore. Obinata’s mouth drops while Nakata’s eyes widen.

“W-W-What’s happening to me?”

“Your eyes…”

“What’s wrong?”

“K-K-K-K-KEN-CHI?!”

There was a scream, after Nakamoto’s drowned out. It was the scream of someone I hated. Of someone I wanted to die.

“Get Ku-chan out of here--!”

“What did you to Big Brother Ken…?!”

As I cried out, the darkness came. I saw nothing, felt nothing, I couldn’t do anything but scream.

“It’s time you asked yourselves, children...was I really joking?”

I get it.

I’m dying, aren’t I?

I wanna see her one more time. I want to see my baby sister.

She’s not the only one, though.

Yuka...Nakata...Rai...Saishi...Azama...Satoshi...Sasada...Nakamoto...I wanna see them all again.

But, Tani. Yosano. I’ll get to be with them, right? Rooting everyone on, right?

Or is that selfish of me? Is it selfish to want to be with them? With everyone still counting on me--with Touko watching me. With Rai next to me?

...who cares.

With those lingering thoughts, the darkness finally consumes whole. No more. The sounds of Nakamoto, Yuka, and Rai screaming my name drown out. Nakata’s hazel eyes staring down at mine disappear. The numbness of my body eases.

Darkness.

…

“--moving.”

“Give him some water.”

The darkness never stays for long, does it?

As my vision slowly returns to me, the only sight that I can really find is that of a white ceiling and bright, blinding light. Someone’s head comes into vision, but it’s dark, still. I can’t make out who it is.

“Dr--k this. Don’t s--ess.”

Huh?

As my sight becomes more clear, I can slowly make out Sasada’s face. She’s biting her lower lip, her disinterested hazel eyes, meeting mine. “Open your mouth.”

I follow her directions, and she slowly puts a cup to my mouth. “You need this. Drink.”

She tips the cup, and, my itchy throat becomes cool. As she puts the cup away, she leans her head in. “How’re you feeling?”

I shake my head. “Not well.”

My head is burning, there’s this weird sensation in my chest, and I feel super weak.

I sit up--well, I try to. I can barely lift my own body up until Sasada places her hand on my neck.

“That’s to be expected,” she says, lifting my back up, and helping me to the wall. “What’re your symptoms?”

I thank her, and rest my head on the wall. “My head is burning, there’s this weird feeling in my chest, and I feel super weak. I don’t know what’s happening--hey, what’s happening? Where are we?”

“We’re in the nurse’s office,” she says, motioning to my left, and I slowly turn my head to face that direction

Mio rests in a bed similar to mine, she’s also looking my direction, and Obinata sits beside her. Mio’s face is pale, and Obinata’s eyes are narrowed.

“It appears our next motive is very...tricky,” Obinata says, pushing his glasses up. “Blood just randomly started flowing out of your right eye. If Kitoaji had not said anything, we might’ve not known anything was happening. You started screaming and you passed out. Nakata and I brought you here, and you started sweating and you were extremely hot. We’re also very fortunate Sasada had awoken, and Nakata has medical experience.”

“How long was I out for?”

“It’s been four hours,” he says. “We had to pull Yuka and Kitoaji away from your body. They were scared you weren’t going to wake, and scared someone would kill you.”

“Everyone was in too much shock to do such a horrendous act,” Sasada says.

“So, we’ve got to imagine that everyone will deal with what happened to Greenie, right?” Mio asks.

Obinata nods. “Without medical treatment, or anyone being aware of it, who knows what’ll happen.”

“Saishi -- and I -- wants to reinforce a buddy system,” Sasada says, sitting on the foot of the bed. “However, Tomori, Satoshi, Shiomi, Shiho and Azama do not trust enough to do that.”

“What do you mean?”

“They’re scared,” Mio says. “Scared that someone will kill because of the motive.”

“The reality of it is certain,” Sasada says. “Unless someone does kill, we’ll all fall victim.”

“MonoMech said that once someone is murdered, he’d give us an antidote.”

“That’s if you trust the antidote as well,” Obinata reminds them. “It could be another poison.”

“Even MonoMech loves his rules too much to break them,” Sasada says. “He’s doing this for pleasure, right? He wants us to betray and hate each other. He wouldn’t want us to all die...this early, anyways.

“I suppose you’re right,” Nakamoto says. “Still it doesn’t hurt to be too careful.”

“Let me go, Nakamoto!”

…

What’s going on out there?

As Sasada sighs and turns her head to the door, the white door swings open, and Rai almost flies in, Nakamoto in hot pursuit.

“Rai-chi, no one’s allowed in until he--”

The two simultaneously pause in their tracks as their eyes fall on me.

“Ken-chi…?”

“I thought I told you to stay guard and not let anyone in,” Obinata says, rubbing his temples.

Nakamoto gasps and throws his hands in the air. “S-S-Sorry, Obi-chi!”

Rai’s blank, confused face, slowly creeps into a smile, and their eyes widen and fill with tears.

I swear, Rai’s smile could brighten anyone’s day...I really love them.

Wait, I love…? No, no, it was a figure of speech.

“Ken…” Rai’s voice is gentle, tender, as they sprint to my side. Rai’s arms wrap themselves around my shoulder and Rai practically jumps into the bed next to me. “I-I was so worried...I didn’t think you were gonna wake up and I have never been so scared in my entire life.”

I close my eyes, as Rai cheek digs into mine. “I’m sorry, Rai.”

“I thought you were gonna die.”

Rai...I must’ve really worried you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for wishing I’d lose.

I’m sorry for wanting to see Yosano and Tani again.

“I’d recommend staying in bed, at least until you get some strength back,” Sasada says. I can feel her get off the bed. “Obinata, Nakamoto, I’m sorry for asking you to be on guard duty for so long.”

“It’s no problem Ukon-chi,” Nakamoto says. “I wouldn’t want to leave Mio-chi and Ken-chi like this, anyways. I’d be a nervous wreck.”

“Guard duty?” I ask, opening my eyes slightly. Although Rai’s hair is in my face still, I can see Obinata and Nakamoto both smiling gently.

“I had asked these two to stay here just in case Kitoaji, or Yuka tried disturbing you. Also, just in case someone had any funny ideas about escaping.”

“It’s Satoshi’s turn,” Obinata says. “I’ll send him up.”

“Thank you,” she says. “I’m going to get some rest now.”

As I shift my eyes to Sasada -- despite my vision being blurry still, I imagine someone took my contacts out -- I can barely see the bags under her eyes.

“Have you gotten any sleep yet, Ukon-chi?”

She shakes her head. “From helping Shimazaki and Ken, I’ve had no time.”

Obinata nods. “Let’s get you back to your dorm then.”

She, too, nods. “Thank you.”

“T-Thank you, Sasada!” I exclaim. “Thank you for saving m-me.”

She offers a faint smile. “It was my pleasure.”

As Obinata, Nakamoto, and Sasada leave the room, Rai loosens their grip on me and slides under my blanket. Rai puts their arm around me, and rests their head on my shoulder.

“I-I was so worried,” Rai repeats through their tears.

“I’m SO jealous,” Mio says, turning away from us. “It’s absolutely sickening to see you young people so happy while Obi won’t even look at me like that.”

Wait.

“You like Obinata?” There’s a pause. “And there’s nothing like that between us.”

“Greenie and Babyface are TOTALLY in love, though.”

“You’re avoiding the question, Mio.”

She giggles to herself, turning back to us. “Maybe I do, maybe I don’t! Okay, I do. BUT it’s not like you think! He’s tall, handsome, and the only part I don’t like is that he’s controlling, cuz I’m supposed to be the controlling one! Don’t I give off the top-aura.”

“There’s an aura like that?” Rai asks, raising their eyebrows.

Please don’t encourage her.

“He spends so much time with Nakamoto and I can’t get any time alone with him. I was seriously considering jumping him tomorrow until I got slicey-dicey-diced!”

“I don’t think that woulda been a very good idea,” I say.

“Why not?” she asks, tilting her head.

“Still, you’d look cute together!” Rai exclaims. “And, he could really use some happiness.”

“Thanks, Babyface!”

Rai sighs. “Yeah, that nickname is going to drive me insane.”

I smile. “It’s cute...and fitting.”

“Rude,” Rai says, turning their adorable face away from me.

The door opens, and Satoshi -- with his bow and arrow in hand -- enters. As he closes the door behind him, he offers me a smirk. “And here I was worried. But here you are, flirting like you two normally do.”

His voice is weak, like he spent the past few hours in a screaming match.

“Satoshi…”

He sits down in the chair at the table. “Still, Sasada asked me to ask you something.”

I tilt my head.

“Did you feel anything before it happened?”

I bite my lower lip and look toward Mio. “No. It was random.”

He sighs, leaning back in his chair. “I see.” He shrugs his shoulders though, his smile coming back. “I’m just really glad you’re back...I don’t think I could’ve handled if you hadn’t woke.”

“T-Thank you, Satoshi,” I say.

“So,” he continues. “Instead of moping about, let’s talk about something else…”

“Rai, I’m tired.”

“Wanna go to sleep?”

“I shouldn’t.”

“You’ve had a long day, though.”

“Everyone has.”

“But you’re still pale...and woozy.”

“But--”

“Let’s go to sleep, Ken.”

I frown and turn away from Rai, but Rai grabs my cheeks and turns me back. They stare into my eyes, and, Rai frowns as well. “Ken, please. I’m worried.”

“But, I am too,” I say, and Rai lets go of me. “It’s already happened to me, what if it happens to you? What if it happens? No one will know...I won’t know. What if it--”

Rai places their hands on my cheeks again, and my mouth stops. “Ken, please. You need the rest and nothing will happen to me, I promise.”

“Rai--”

A knock on the door interrupts me. Rai’s head turns away from me as they release me, and I instinctively turn to get up...but, Rai pulls me back. “You don’t move.”

“But--”

“But, nothing,” Rai says, jumping off the bed and skipping to the door...still adorable. But I don’t like how Rai babies me, though…

Rai swiftly opens the door, and--

--huh?

Shiomi stands at the door, his old blank expression replaced by one of sorrow. He holds a video camera in one hand, and in the other nothing. “Oh, Shiomi.”

“Hi,” he says, looking away from Rai and myself, toward the ground. “Buddy-system?”

“Y-Yeah,” Rai says.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course,” I pipe up, and Shiomi looks up at me. He slowly moves past Rai -- who closes the door behind him -- and approaches me. “Ken, I’m so happy you’re okay.”

I brush him off. “What about you?”

He sits next to me on my bed, bringing his head to his chest. “I-I really didn’t want to have this talk, but, I found this in Tani’s room.” He lifts the video camera up, and shakes his head. “This was Tani’s. She was secretly recording us. I saw her again. I missed her. She talked to me; told me that she liked when I smiled.” He frowns again and digs his chin into his chest. “I wonder how she’d feel if she saw me like this.”

“Shiomi…”

“Did you know she recorded us the morning after our sleepover?” he asks, his voice wavering. He smiles as a lone tear falls down his face. “She’s silly.”

Yeah...she was.

“I’m cursed.”

“Cursed?” Rai asks, and, he nods.

“That’s why I didn’t want to talk to anyone--everyone who gets close to me dies. I-I thought I outgrew it but Tani still died. She died because of me.”

“That’s not true, Shiomi! It’s because of the mastermind--you have to know that, don’t you?”

“I’m scared that if I get too close to you guys, you’ll die. But, I’m too scared to go at it alone.”

I smile as Shiomi looks up at me. “You don’t have to. You’re not alone.”

“But...what if I get you killed?”

“Ken won’t die,” Rai says, squeezing their way in between Shiomi and I. “Neither will I!  Neither will you!”

“Do you promise?”

Rai looks back to me, and, it’s almost as if they were saying ‘Let’s do it--let’s help him!’...so, I nod. “It’s a promise.”

“It’s a promise!” Rai repeats.

As Shiomi smiles to himself, I take a deep breath. “Promise?”

“Promise,” he says, pausing to look at the floor again. “Thank you.”

Shiomi only stayed for a few minutes after that, and, once he was gone, Rai and I were back to where we started.

“I’m not gonna sleep, Rai.”

“You’re super weak right now, Ken. Don’t make me fight you.”

“Do it. I bet you won’t.”

After egging Rai on, I’m not sure why I was surprised to be in this position.

Rai’s face is inches away from mine -- their cheeks are red...they’re smirking. Rai holds my right arm back with their left, and their eyes pierce mine.

They fall silent.

It’s not an awkward silence, but, it was definitely a silence. Rai’s eyes continue to stare through mine.

“Rai…?”

This is like a scene straight out of a manga...

...wait. Rai doesn’t answer, and instead, closes their eyes.

No, hold on, Rai isn’t gonna kiss me, right? I can’t--no, Rai wouldn’t do that...would they?

“Hey, R--”

Rai suddenly giggles, opening their eyes and offering a sinister smirk. “Scared?”

T-That jerk--!

“I’m not scared,” I protest, as Rai rolls off of me, and lies on their side, next to me.

“Why is your face so red, then?”

“You’re mean.”

Rai giggles, and places their hand on the back of my head. “Just, sleep. You can’t win against me and my appeals.”

I frown, and turn away from Rai, and go on my side. “Fine.”

“I’ll protect you, Ken. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Really?”

“Really...because, I’m here after all...and, I--” Rai pauses, and I hear them giggle. “I’m your protector.”

Rai…why do you make me so happy? When I’m with you, it’s like all of my fears dissipate--the only thing I fear is anything happening to you. Why are you like this? Why am I like this? Why am I so reliant on Rai to save me?

Is it just because I’m hopeless? That I’ve just become so reliant on everyone because I can’t do anything myself…?

Or…

...or is it really love?